Why did things become like that?

Many thoughts. Many worries. Much much anger.  lotsa disappointments.

Many things in life, we should learn to appreciate.. and not take things for granted. Once its gone, it will be gone forever.

This is no simple case, and i wish I am mature enough to handle this.

I super hate my tears. I dont know why are my tear gland so freaking active.

Im tired, and im sleepy.. yet i have a lot of stuff in mind.

School has started. Everything is starting to get busy again.

Cant afford to spend time worrying about stuff.

Work has been tiring. Im tired of having my boss nagging at me the whole day about stuff. I appreciate the good intentions of him reminding about important stuff.

Exams are over! glad that its over.. one more sem down.. the two papers arent well done.. Just praying and keeping my fingers crossed that I can do not that bad for them. I seriously dont know why my mind always get blocked during exams.. its like.. jus not being able to do the qns even tho ive studied. ok, nvm.. I will not give up.. and continue for next sem.. Half way through.. im still surviving and persevering. Jiayou!

Decision making. 

I seriously hates decision making, ttm. Even to decide where to go, what to eat.. is a chore. I hate it when i need to choose, yet i complain when i cant choose. 

Im standing in the centre of the junction right now.. Still thinking if i should go left or go right. 

Im been listed to go for a day job to do Turnaround planning, 8-5.. An entirely different jobscope. A new challenge.. 

I’ve been running through a list of Pros and Cons in my mind.. all the PULL and PUSH factors..

To go for Day work.. 

1. Don’t have to take leaves for Classes & labs
2. No more Graveyard shifts :O
3. Dont have to fight with people for OIL
4. Good experience and exposure
5. Away from Stupid and hypocritical Future FLS!

However..

1. Lesser time for revision
2. Tired, long working hours.. 
3. Long and troublesome traveling time
4. More Stressful with lots of paper work, Meetings etc
5. New people, Say Bye to old team 3.. with my dearest mentor.. 
6. No more weekday discounts and flexibility. 

Seems like.. there is quite an equal share of both. I am not good with making decisions. and..I would say, i have always made decisions that make myself regret.. After those experiences, I always tell myself.. I need to think, re think many times.. before i make a decision.. for I don’t even want to look back with regrets. Perhaps.. this is not like a die/not die kind of decision.. but still, its going to affect my life for the next 2 years. 

For this matter, i’ve been pissed off by the person who conveyed the message. Seems like this office politics is getting stronger.. and i’ve been stirred in too.

I’ve said before in my previous entries.. I’m very attached to my team.. and some of the people in it. I really like the kind of team spirit that we have.. or rather.. we had? As days go by, my view towards certain people have changed. And yups, I agreed on the part.. that Barry always tell me, Dont be too trusting on people. I know, that’s my weakness. I am not saying that Im like an angel, who sees kindness in everything. But at least, I cant think of a reason why people want to harm me. And at work, I jus want to put in efforts and give my best. Is there anything wrong with that? I said i missed the times, where the team jus had seniors.. and I am jus a small fry who is not taken into consideration in anything. I naively thought its just the people.. who have changed.. and tt’s why i am feeling different right now. Sometimes, I feel very outcasted. Perhaps I should really go for the day job.. I need a change. I need to get rid of these negativity in me. 

However, someone enlightened me and said.. its not the people.. everywhere is the same.. When u are just new, u are not a threat to anyone.. U don’t have a say in anything.. so people will treat u nice.. cos u wont be in their way. But as u progress.. ( and progress faster den others), people start to change their attitude towards u. Cos they now see u as a threat. Sometimes, helping people doesnt always come with appreciation. You might not know how the other party takes it.. positively or negatively. Sometimes, its really good to jus be neutral and take things in ur stride. 

A lot of things, Barry has warned me before.. And always.. I will listen.. but.. sometimes I do feel that he is too negative. But perhaps.. for them to have come this far, I guess they have experienced a lot of things that I have not.. and their advices are there.. so that, I wont be hurt.. because they want to protect me. 

Sometimes I just want to see things from a positive way. A lot of things, i know.. the truth just hurts. Jus like right now.. no matter what I do, I believe somehow or someway, people jus have to pass judgement..

Friends are not colleagues. 

This sentence has been ringing in my head for quite a while. And perhaps after some incidents recently, i have to agree with this sentence more. 

Friends.. in my dictionary.. there are different classes of friends.. Acquaintances are not friends, they are hi-bye people whom I don’t really care and they wont affect me. 

Normal Friends, Good Friends, Best Friends 

As I grow older, I tend to see these different bands of friends pretty differently. 

When I was younger, I have classmates as friends.. People whom I see everyday for classes, eat lunch with.. And these are people whom I studied hard with.. going through the storms of exam papers together. 

Now that im working, frankly speaking.. Sometimes as i look around me, its really hard to find someone who is always there.. and someone who really understand u. Most of the time, I tend to fall back and find my sister and my mum instead. Cos they are people who wont judge me.. Even when i cry and cry and cry… they nvr said that im very irritating and ask me to shut up. They jus listen and  help me think of various ways to re look at the situation. 

Of cos, there are people around who have always been there for me. When we say BFF( best friend Forever), who really can be there forever?  I truly appreciate all the support, care and concern, cos.. this world is really chaotic now.. and its hard to really find people .. who truly loves u for who u are. 

Back to Decision making, I still need to think about.. the modules to take in school. Take TG or not take TG? 

haish.. my legs are full of blue blacks here and there.. thanks to my own clumsiness.

im tired. yet so many things are undone.. and tests coming up. worklife+sch Balance. well, it will never be balanced. :S

really need to priortise my stuff.

life has been .. so-so? I mean if u take that balance of happy, sad and tired moments.. 50-50..

I have so much to rant about work and i dont really noe how to start with. As days goes by, its getting really tiring. Im not sure if this is the correct channel to rant. but yes, im really sick. Given my personality, when i do things, I give it my all. Be it routine work.. whatever preparation or paperwork.. not becos i want to ‘score’ points.. but I just want to make things .. right. Yar, and so.. i make myself damn tired everyday, talking to a superior.. who doesnt really  appreciate, or sometimes, its jus damn difficult to make him understand.  SOmetimes, i complain i rant.. but all i wanted.. is jus a channel to vent. well, Barry suffered a lot from my rantings..haha..

work aside, I have been busy with all the schwork and all.  I only take 2 mods and its alr quite taxing. I cant imagine ppl doing 4 mods. though results so far seem pretty decent.. but still a lot to study. Its self expectations, with sch notes to study, work knowledge to absorb. I wish I have brainy brainy brains.

Not much time for exercising, managed with short jogs, cycles and sets at home. I really miss bodypumps and bodycombat. I miss going to the sauna after job with my darling. Its so long since i last saw her.

Haven meet up with friends.. everyone is like jus damn busy with their lives.

My ladies

Outdated post, Batam Trip

Had a shortshort batam trip( 2D1N) with Mabeline, HH, Celine, Jeff and Andre. Short..interesting.. and bonding. Its so rare for me to go ‘overseas’.I was lucky my menstrual cramps went away.. The past few days were terrible. Its like PMS+ emo shit, and everything else lumped together. I cant sleep properly, i feel so tired. So tired yet cant sleep. Torturing!

Im jus here to drop a post.. for fun.

:)

lastly, Im putting on weight. Its time to start the running regime, before i turn into an ugly and fat pig.

I want a healthy breakfast for a start tmr!

Can I have this for breakfast tmr..?

So loving this song. Nobody’s perfect. Enjoy~

The Process Modelling was a killer for me.. now im so worried that im going to retake this module. cos i’ve failed the 2 tests so badly. . After the last paper, classmates all went out to play.. lunch, sing.. and the famous spicy chicken wings at sunset grill.. And yar, I had to go back to work.. Ive been ranting for so long that I want to make a trip there.. but its super inconvienent for a gathering. ok, next time. there will be a chance.

I wouldnt say studying is a torment.. but.. yes, its making me feel very no life. I cant go overseas and play like the rest. Just cant seem to get enough leaves for everything. Even if i want to take leave to go somewhere.. still have to decide go where and ask for companion. Sucha Hassle.

A short break would be deeply appreciated, but well… for now there’s no plans.

Recently, i dont have much issues about myself…

with regards to my previous posts.. thanks those who gave me super comforting words..

Whenever you feel weak, remember those who made you strong and whenever you start to doubt yourself remember those who believe in you. #TLW

Life is fragile. very very fragile.

Just two weeks back, mishap happened to one of the contractors whom we always worked with. A very careful and meticulous old man.. who nags pretty a lot. Not sure whats the cause of the death.. but it did made me feel the vulnerability of one. I did come home, talk to my parents about it.. if they dont feel well, they must learn to speak up.

Moral of the story is.. Takecare of yourself, cos U are responsible for yourself.

Ive got so much to do for these 2 weeks till sch starts again.. Facial, Send macbook for servicing, dentals, etc etc. and I want more retail therapy!!!!!!!!!! and yar. meetups meetups! I miss gym session loads. I miss the bodypump and body combat sessions. I miss the fitter me. RUN CLAR RUN! haha..

not much marathons to run this year. ALL falls on our working days.. except STANDARD CHARTERED MARATHON. and Yups! Ive already signed up..

ok, gd news to share! Ailian got married!

Attended her wedding on the weekend, 9th July. A simple and blissful wedding lunch.

Ailian & Ivan

Wishing my dear friend, a happy and Blessed marriage.. So sorry i cant help with anything becos of exam.. At least, I made myself available for the wedding. hahaa..

Seriously trying to.. figure out whats wrong w me.

Be it studies.. or personal stuff.

Every girl seem to be able to take gd care of themselves. be it.. the hair. the complexion.. their things. they have pretty pretty cute things and are able to takecare of them.

Whats wrong with me. Im just a problematic kid. FROM HEAD TO TOE. literally. Frequent headaches, toothaches, lousy complexion.. fat body.. terribly ugly finger and toe nails. Scars all over.

thats the physical part..

Emotionally..

i hate to admit this.. but .. i am trying hard.. to have higher EQ and.. IQ.

if im a product, im one with many many defects.. One that deserved to be scrapped..

I wouldnt label myself as a pessimistic person. Just that sometimes.. the truth just hurts. Its not that I haven been trying.. I have.. But perhaps just not enough. Im getting tired of everything.

I badly want to jus go away. for a breather.. and start things afresh. A getaway.

Studies. everything just seem impossible.. I noe its feeble to think of giving up. But Im at the point where I see no trace of intelligence of an university student.

on 7th May 2011, we had our election polling day. I know its nothing much as it happens like every 5 years. However, this year was special to me cos I got to vote.

I have never been interested in politics..the only time i read up about them is perhaps the social studies textbook or some BIG headlines on the Straits Times. For Singapore is a peace loving country, we dont have chaotic parliament like Taiwan. GE2011 is definitely different from the past. In the past, we only get to watch lousy rally videos that people post on youtube.. and all the ‘politically correct’ ones from the media( papers/tv news). But this time round, this is the  elections that the new gen ppl gets involved to vote. ALL over Facebook and twitter, its all election updates.

I saw Singapore moving towards another direction altogether, with PM standing up, apologizing for his ministers’ mistakes.. With new and young blood like Nicole Seah fighting for an alternate voice in the parliament. To me, its something new.. and interesting.  it was during my exams period. How sad..

My Polling ticket.

With the opposition speaking up, against the ‘high-end’ policies that some of the ministers have implemented. I dont agree that Singaporeans are an ungrateful lot.. we appreciate the gd security that the government has set up for us.. the gd transport system( tho now kinda overcrowding.. with FT),  the infrastructure.. and world class education system. But the cost of living is killing a lot of people. I’ve seen people slogging all their lives to make ends meet each month. while a bowl of fishball noodles costing average at $3, economic beehoon at $3 plus.. increasing utilities bills, transport fees.. and property prices. An average man earing 2K per month cant possibly support his family (eg. 2kids) without his wife gg out to work. Its quite difficult to find single working parents nowdays. Perhaps that also explains why the young generation learn the bad things fast.. from outsider.. becos parents dont have time for them. Its time for us to slow down our pace.. and let our fellow singaporeans catch their breath and catch up.

With all the changes made, I look forward to a better Singapore. The results were pretty much.. expected… The sadest thing here is Mr Chiam See Tong and the wifey lost their seats. my grandma used to stay there.. and all my aunties and uncles are CST supporters. People putting up petitions, cheering the couple in the middle of the night.. that’s a rare sight of Singaporean Spirit. Although we all know that it wont work.. but i think CST can see the people’s love for him.

Feels like a social studies essay, but im really very thoughtful about this issue. Mayb because, standing on the low ground.. I feel for the lower income people.

Not to mention the feeling in sch and work.. that its difficult to find a common tongue.

Studied and studied.. yet my mind just cant absorb. its just a nightmare.. the paper itself was a diaster.. I almost cried during the paper.. Cos I kept thinking y im so dumb.. Its like easy, do-able.. but my mind just went blank.

After every semester, when results are out.. I would strongly encourage and remind myself.. that i realli need to work a lot harder. Yet semester after semester, I fail myself.. Mummy is so cute.. she just tells me that its ok.. dont have to push myself so hard. When i was studying, she just dragged me out for dinner.. saying that i wont fail just by giving up that few hrs of studying, well, like what i always say, mummy dotes on me most..

It was Mummy’s day last week..

gave her the surprise cake at midnight..

For the woman whom I love the most..

the auntie who screamed at me most. :O

lols..

I truly love mummy to the max…

No matter how tired i am, how vexed i feel, unfairness felt, sadness within…

I always felt better after talking to her.

She knows how I will feel, what are my strengths and weaknesses..

My likes, my loves..

She knows all of my friends, listening to me patiently as I rant abt sch.. abt work..

SHe cooks the best dishes.. for me.. She tries to do her best to make us grow up.. in the best way..

She taught us well, manners.. and attitude.. For she set examples.

For all that she has done for the family, she stays young at heart.. and I often felt lucky that I have a Mummy-bestie..

Happy Birthday, my dearest Sister!

on 10th April 2011, we had this Bday Party at my place… check out the pics below.. I did a comparison with the birthday party I had 3 yrs ago… and well, i see BIG CHANGE.. in all of us.. the house..

The day was great! With all her sch friends, swens frens.. and random friends swarming in..

I see my little sis.. growing up.. into a young lady..

A little chef in the making.. with bright bright future..

Pooh Cake- by Chrispantry

Valent’s 21st

My 21st Birthday (3 yrs back)

wooo! My grown up Bro..

3 yrs back..

Family members ( Maternal)

Just EnEn and Grandma

Happy 21st Birthday, Valentina Chia!